Below is the full text of the letter I sent out to our K-8 families yesterday (with the child's initials altered). While this has been an extraordinarily difficult several days for our community, I am profoundly moved by our community's willingness to put this child's needs at the center of our work and support him in this critical time. It is a testament to the deeply held beliefs and values of our families and staff, and I am extraordinarily proud to work at a place that can not only provide the stability and normalcy so needed for this child and family, but also provide a context in which he does not need to feel shame or stigma about this experience. I am in deeply touched by and grateful towards the many, many parents who have stepped forward to support this family in this time of crisis, and the professionalism and child-centered thinking of our faculty.
I write with deep sadness to let you know that one of our K/1 families has suffered a family tragedy. Last week, Brian, father of RF in Blackberry Creek, took his own life. While RF lives with his mother Kristin in Oakland, Brian (who lived in Capitola) was a close presence in his life.
RF has been absent from school for the last two days, and we expect him back tomorrow. In this time of crisis for the family, we want to ensure that school remains a safe, normal place for RF over the coming weeks; we especially want him to feel shame-free and to integrate this experience into his understanding of his life. Because of the specific circumstances of this situation - RF is aware that Brian killed himself with a gun; he is a talkative child who freely shares his thoughts and ideas with his peers in both Laurel and Blackberry, inside and outside of the classroom; we have a high number of siblings spread throughout our school, across the grades; and our multi-grade classrooms and K/1-4/5 buddy program leads to a community of elementary students who know each other across classrooms and grades - we have consulted with Dr. Anne Brodzinsky, our consulting school psychologist, on the best way to proceed, and how to balance the needs of providing the experience of a supportive community for RF with the developmental readiness of our students for this difficult topic.
In accordance with the professional advice of Anne and the literature on communicating with children about death and suicide, today the RF teachers led brief discussions with students; specifically, they explained that illness occurs on a spectrum or continuum, that sometimes people are ill in their minds, that sometimes when people are ill in their minds they take their own lives, and that this is what Brian did with a gun. We have chosen this path because of the degree of information that RF has about the circumstances of his father's death, and we believe that by making this an open topic, we minimize both the potential for a dangerous stigma that would impede his ability to integrate this experience in a healthy way, and the need for other students to whisper about or hide their conversations.
Some students in classrooms outside of the K1 have already learned about this tragedy directly from other students. In order to ensure that all of our students have accurate information, and to eliminate any climate of shame and reinforce the open conversation of this topic, I will be coordinating with each set of classroom teachers about when and how to have developmentally-appropriate conversations with the students in each classroom. If anything arises in the course of those conversations that would warrant further communication, we will of course let you know. In addition, if you have questions about the nature of this conversation with students, or about your child's participation, please contact me directly.
As with any unusual event in school, your children may come home and want to talk about this topic, the class meeting, or an interaction with RF (or another child) that he or she has sometime this week (or beyond). We encourage you to be direct and honest in your responses to their questions, and to let their questions guide you in what information you give them. If you would like further advice and direction on speaking with your child about death and suicide, we recommend reading the relevant pages at hospicenet and afsp.org.
If you feel the desire to reach out to Kristen, I encourage you to write cards or notes and send them by mail, rather than sending emails, unless you hear otherwise directly from her. This will give Kristen a stronger measure of control about deciding when to open those messages. Her address is in the school directory.
At TBS we often talk about the value of our community. I ask you now to put RF's health and well-being at the center of your thoughts as we demonstrate to him that his two worlds of home and school are one family that will support him through this tragedy without wrapping the particulars in secrecy or shame.
Thank you for supporting RF, his family, your child, and our community during this difficult time.
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